Here’s where a sturdy zipper is needed

Through Bifocals column takes a look at the insufferable style of Bieber as seen through the eyes of a Terrace resident.

So far cosmetic companies selling teeth whiteners have failed to recognize a burgeoning customer base for a new product – lip zippers for exasperated kinfolk.

Upholsterers and seamstresses purchase zipper in 50 yard rolls. Johnson and Johnson or some other medical supplier could invent a line of soft flexible zipper designed specifically to safely seal lips against uncontrollable outbursts and unappreciated opinions.

Recently a 70-year-old mother of four grown and married children confessed to me , “I’ve worn out several zippers keeping my mouth shut.”

Think of all the parents, grandparents, even Conservative caucus MPs who grind their teeth when they’d really like to spout off their true feelings. Bet dentists are busy crowning teeth that have been worn down in the middle of sleepless nights as insomniacs relive the day’s events and silently rehearse what they wish they were at liberty to express.

Justin Bieber’s grandparents could be prime customers for lip zippers purchased by the yard. I’ve read that his grandparents are dismayed at their grandson’s shenanigans: charging giddy girls $320 each to have their photo taken with him then not even  saying “hello” or sign an autograph. And what did Grandma and Grandpa think when they saw a news photograph of Justin sneaking away from a bordello hidden by a sheet?

Did Grandma peer closer and murmur, “Is that a 300 thread count Martha Stewart sheet?” More recently, Bieber was charged with vandalism after he was caught spray painting graffiti on a wall in Bogota, Columbia.

The Bieber photo that irritates me as a Canadian is of the 19-year-old accepting the Diamond Jubilee medal from Prime Minister Harper. Bieber has on a baseball cap turned backwards, a white tee shirt , and black and white striped bib overalls dragging from one suspender with the crotch hanging down between his knees.

Bib overalls hitched up by one suspender suited L’il Abner’s sartorial unsophistication. Bieber’s attempt to look “cool” in thrift store threads only flaunts his disrespect for the prime minister, Canadians, the Queen’s medal and his doting grandparents.

If I were the Biebs’ grannie I’d be nigh exploding to tell him, “Put your shirt on unless you’re a spokesperson for No-No. And cover your tattoos. Far from making you look tough they draw attention to how little time you spend lifting anything weightier than a mic.”

Bieber isn’t the only Justin whose relatives may want to order a roll of oral zipper. Last week Justin Trudeau advertised a meet-and-greet for ladies only. Now, any political fund raiser limited to females churns my disapproval. My antipathy to this sort of exclusivity peaked years ago when a local candidate organized a for-women-only coffee klatsch. I didn’t vote for her and I doubt I’d vote for Trudeau.

Women are perfectly capable of duking it out with men in the political arena, though their approach may be more ladylike. Flora McDonald is an example of steel cloaked in genteel manners.

Trudeau’s poster posed the question, “What is your favourite virtue?” He could have narrowed his meaning. Was he seeking praise for himself? Or hoping ladies’ replies would define what he must aim to be to win their votes.

To round out the current list of spoiled notables, there’s Miley Cyrus sticking her tongue out a mile, twerking other performers like a black bear itching its haunch on a hemlock, and smoking marijuana on stage in Amsterdam.

Surely her father doesn’t condone her behaviour even if it is keeping her in the headlines? I would expect any sensible father to object, vociferously.

 

 

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